“Let it go” …..it’s a phrase I use regularly in what I write…in
what I sing…..in the way that I live…..It brings me freedom from so much, and
sets free so much that unnecessarily burdens my soul……but as fate would have it
my beliefs were to be challenged this week when my car “Grandpa” (yes he is
very old and on his last legs – hence the
name) opted to overheat in the new summer slowly blessing Western Australia….I
pulled over, decided to let the engine cool before replenishing his water and
headed off to a coffee shop up the street to replenish my caffeine while I
waited.
I walked in, ordered my usual Soy Latte and stepped back to
wait while the Barista worked her magick. As I scouted my eyes through the café
my eyes fell upon a face that made it feel like every ounce of blood in my body
had gushed from my feet into the ground, my heart nearly exploded in panic and
I found myself melting out the door backwards and running for the shelter of my
car where I cried an ocean……
The face was that belonging to the mother of my first
boyfriend. He was a mentally ill mind with a tortured soul, lost, angry….and so
physically abusive I feared for my life on a daily basis…….she….well, she would
hold frozen peas to my freshly punched eye socket and tell me to cry quietly so
I didn’t “make him angry….or he’ll just do it again…..hush now love”
….and there she was……drinking espresso and laughing with a
girlfriend.
Playing victim to the domestic violence I faced in my relationship
with him is something I have always chosen NOT to do. I survived where so many
women don’t, I set myself free where so many women can’t, I lived a life
afterwards that so many women may not have had the pleasure to be blessed with…..I
was one of the lucky ones and Lord knows
I have faced my demons, forgiving him….forgiving myself….letting go….. And
after almost 13 years since I laid eyes on either of them I thought these
demons vanquished, buried……
Yet I sat in my car curled in a ball feeling as frightened…..broken….and
worthless as the day I sat curled in a ball at the bottom of the shower watching
blood pool from my face into colourful little waves around my feet…..
The whole experience has had me reeling this week with the
new concept that when it comes to some things that happen to us in life…..is
there really a way to ‘LET GO’ ???
I know the old truth once delivered to me on every blow from
his hate filled hands planted itself in a dark part of my heart still broken by
what I lived….and it speaks ”You’re not worthy of love” ….this truth lies
dormant beneath the surface of me….and in moments when I am confronted with a
situation that whispers it into reality, rejection, alienation, abandonment,
anger, confusion……. I break…over and over again……
But in recent years, after many moons of chasing down my demons, meditating through forgiveness, dancing my anger into a fire, hypnotherapy, counselling, play, laughter, writing, music, crying tears onto the muddy earth surrounded by Aboriginal Elders that know me and LOVE me and show me that without the rain the mother can’t grow, so “let it rain”
…..I let it rain….
Now when faced with that old truth "I'm not worthy of love" part of my soul will argue….”NO! I AM WORTHY OF
LOVE”
….sometimes this argument is a raging warrior….and she will
fight tooth, nail, blood, sweat and tears to prove that truth wrong….in every
way…..
….other days the fight is but a whimper…..
Regardless there is always an argument…..where many years
ago there was not.
* * *
Maybe with the larger…more intense happenings of life……letting
go is but a wish…… maybe it’s more a journey to find peace with the mark that
it has left you with….to find the warrior (or the whimper) within that argues……
Maybe heartbreak is a chink in your armour….you learn to manoeuvre
around it and become skilled at guarding that weakness…..and for the right
people you will bear it with pride and share the tale of your survival….
Maybe heart break is the darker colours in the picture you
paint in life…..the flaw….the smudge…..that somehow gives it character…..it
makes it known this picture was made by hand, with love…..by an expert amateur….and
we all are…..
Maybe heartbreak is the wound with a story that will link
you to others and their scars….their tales and journeys….. Maybe heartbreak is
better shared…….
At the end of it all I just need to keep believing I
am
worthy of loving…..
....chinks in my armour, smudges on my canvas, bared wounds,
whimpers, warriors, stories shared under moonlight…..it’s all part of the
masterpiece of who I am…..who you are……and it is all worthy of love….. maybe
when all else falls away that is why we are faced with demons and old reminders
to bleed old wounds…..to teach us to fight for ourselves, to love and nurture
the pain, to stand by what we hold true in the highest part of ourselves….
Whatever still haunts you…..whatever breaks you over and over again….whatever
drives you to fight, whimper, cry or bleed…….You are worthy of love..…ALL OF
YOU……Don’t ever let that go….let it rain instead.....let it water the earth of your soul and create new growth....and every time it bubbles up and over.....let it rain again and again....... let it create life every time.....
Let it rain....
If you are a victim of domestic violence or need support in dealing with any experience relating to the issue please contact Relationships Australia for expert help, advice and boundless resources. <3 <3 <3
